Yes I realize how late it is. This is the only time I get for myself usually. I love it when everyone is in bed, and I am left alone. lol. I love my family dearly, but sometimes I need some time to just relax and do something for me. I am learning how to do that. I have not really told many people about this, but I have a deep dark secret. I feel like part of my recovering is to let my friends and family in on it. While I was in the hospital everything was great. I was so excited to finally meet my daughter. I had it made. I had so many great people helping me. I was never alone with the baby, and people were basically doing my job for me. Well when we got home some things started to happen. I was getting very over protective of her. I did not even want the grandparents to hold her at times. I had no idea why this was happening. I would even cry when she cried. I could not handle the idea of my little girl crying. I wanted to fix every little problem. About 2 weeks into her life, Kyle had to go back to work, and the grandparents went home. I was left alone with Kaylee for the first time. I freaked out and called Kyle that night. He left work early. I started going to work with Kyle after that night. I was so embarrassed. I had no idea why I was feeling this way. I spoke to my doctor about the problems. To my surprise she told me I was having post pardon depression. This sounds odd, but it was music to my ears. I say this because I know they can treat this condition. I felt like I was going crazy at times. She said that she went through the same thing. She put me on some meds, and gave me the task of gaining confidence in myself as a mom. She said having a C-section did not help the matter. Sge said that recovering from major surgery can also bring you down a bit. I have felt so much better recently. I did not notice a change at first, but Kyle tells me that I am so good with her now. It was so hard on Kyle at first. She would cry and cry and cry because all she wanted was her mother. But I was so blind to this. Now I see how we have bonded. She will only eat for me at times, and she will only go to sleep for me. She loves mommy and needs me. That has been the biggest confidence builder. There are times when no one can calm her down, but when mommy takes her she instantly stops. This is an amazing feeling. I still get sad from time to time, but for the most part I am much better. This was very hard to talk about. You never think something like this will ever effect you. I always thought this type of problem made you feel violent towards the baby. This just is not true. It can, but not in every case. The doctor told me that I should stay on the meds for 3 months.
In other news. Tonight was a tough one. Sometimes Kaylee has days where mommy and daddy want to cry with her. I think she got a bit too hot this afternoon. We really were not out long, but for a small baby it was just too hot. We got home and sat down to feed her, and she threw up everywhere. Poor Kyle was soaked. I had no idea a baby could throw up that much. The funny thing is that she laughed at Kyle after she did it. She did not seem to feel bad. So she had an emergency bath in the sink. My poor baby. She was also in one of those"I only want mommy to hold me moods". I had to hold her the entire time we were getting groceries tonight. I don't mind a bit. She will get so hungry and still refuse to eat for Kyle. I will take over and she will eat instantly. I guess sometimes the girl just wants mommy. Well that is all for tonight. I am starting my weight loss program and taking Kaylee for walks every morning before the heat sets in. I will start a blog about weight loss after baby later.
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